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What’s a Hippee, Grandma?

Friday, November 11th, 2011

The title of this post, “What’s a Hippie, Grandma?” is a purposeful distortion of our latest addition to The Buzz by Sara Davidson, “What’s a Hippie Grandma?” To the punctuationally-challenged, the two might look the same. They’re not (I never actually read Eats Shoots and Leaves, but like the author, Lynne Truss, I take my punctuation seriously.)

What’s a Hippee, Grandma?” is a question, I suspect, that one (if not all) of my three grandsons might ask someday, perhaps when the Sixties come up in history class. Being a hippie grandma myself–late of the generation that didn’t trust anyone over thirty–I prefer not to be called “Grandma,” though. So they will have to ask, “What’s a hippie, Minna?” if they want to get my attention.

Like Davidson, I wouldn’t have dreamed of actually moving to a commune in those days–I wasn’t that kind of hippee. But when I was an editor at Random House in the late sixties, I remember stringing “love beads” in my office. I used guitar-strap material to lengthen my sons pants (he’s finally forgiven me!). And I was all about altered consciousness. Once the boys learn about the Seventies, maybe they will also ask whether I went to Studio 54. (I did.) Hopefully, it will be a long time before they ask about that picture on my desk of me in all black leather and dog collar–attached to a leash, no less. I’ll try to explain that their grandmother, once a hippie, segued to disco queen and then to ace reporter, covering S & M for New York magazine in 1994.

In contrast, “What’s a Hippie Grandma?” (without the comma) is the question Sara Davidson ponders as her daughter gets closer to the altar and Sara inches toward grandmotherhood. What, she wonders, qualifies her to become the “hippie grandmother” her daughter claims she will be? My answer would be: drugs, sex, and rock and roll–adjectives not formerly (normally?) associated with grandmothers. But there’s a lot of us out there who fit the bill (Davidson offers other “credentials” in her piece). “I’m in touch with my inner Mick Jagger,” one such grandma confided.

Not surprisingly, I also think hippie grandmothers have a lot to offer their grandchildren: an expansive, imaginative view about life and, as long as they’re out of earshot of their adult children, some damn good stories.

One of the (few) “gifts” of aging, contemporary grandmothers know, is that it’s easier to sort out what’s really important. No big deal about being a hippie grandma — or a hippy one, for that matter. Nora Ephron said it best when a television reporter asked her to sum up what she learned from writing, I Feel Bad About My Neck, her musings about getting older. Looking right into the camera, she said, “Eat more bread.”

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Remembering Grandma

Friday, September 16th, 2011

An email from Haydée Souffrant, Media and Press Intern for StoryCorps alerted me to this recording about “meeting matriarchs and returning home.” Neglectful blogger that I have become (with good reason: I’m writing a new Baby Whisperer book about family!), I thought I’d at least share this with you. Haydée explained in her email…

Each StoryCorps interview is recorded on a free CD for participants to take home and share with their loved one and archived for generations to come at the American Folklife Center at the Library of Congress.

StoryCorps currently has one of the country’s largest oral history archives—with more than 30,000 interviews recorded in all 50 states. Please let me know if you have any questions about StoryCorps or today’s broadcast. I hope you’ll take the time to listen to our stories and to share them with your readers and families, especially your grandmothers!!!

Enjoy!

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The Grandma Reunion

Sunday, July 24th, 2011

It started off-handedly. It was an intriguing idea, and it was easy to do, so I created a Facebook page for my sorority sisters. I built it, and I wondered if they’d come. Before I knew it, I was Social Chairman again, organizing what I thought of as a “pilot” reunion. If it went well, we’d do others.

It went well. It was a lot of things: a trip down memory lane, a chance to re-view our housemates–and to see them with fresh eyes. It also forced us to remember–and cringe at–the not-so-nice byproduct of being in a close-knit, almost inbred community. Legend had it that during rush-week, we made a grand gesture of folding the coats in, so as not to see the label. It was untrue (I think), but no matter what others thought of us, we knew we were “the Iotas.”

Some have “joined” the page; others aren’t into social networking. No matter, reconnection can happen on Facebook or in emails. We go back and forth, sharing the Roman numerals of our lives: partnership status, children/grandchildren, careers. It’s like time-lapse photography.

So what is it that’s so compelling about reunions–and reconnecting after so many years? Ironically, I’m coming up on my 50th high school reunion, and have been involved in a similar process with those classmates. The woman–and former co-valedictorian–who’s organizing that event asked us to answer a few key questions for the reunion booklet, including your best and worst memories of high school. (My worst was being spat on and called a “dirty Jew.”) I read the various blurbs, and then turn to my Class of ‘61 yearbook, juxtaposing this new information with each person’s 17- or 18-year-old self. I read an inscription scribbled over his or her face and get glimpses of who that person was to me. It’s oddly satisfying.

The fact is, these people knew me when: when I went to sock hops and wore circle pins; when I acted in the senior play, when we ate French fries and cokes after school at my father’s diner.

And my sorority sisters know an even more significant “when.” They knew the old boy friends, the ones I didn’t marry, the one I did. They remember my favorite songs. They remember spring formals. One old friend still talks about the time she ate dinner with my parents and promptly splattered grease on my mother’s white collar. It’s not just that our lives were intertwined or that they were privy to the details of my life. It’s also that we can now piece together our young lives, the group experience, and see how we’ve been affected by it. I sense that they know things about me I don’t even know.

Most of my high school friends and sorority sisters are now grandmothers, and we wonder how we got here. As one of my new-found sorors marveled, “Just yesterday we were putting on our dinner dresses and hoping not to sit with [our “housemother”] Aunt Edna.”

And what does this do for–or have to do with–our daughters? For one thing, they see how important it is to acknowledge and keep up with one’s past. Mine already gets this; she has an annual girls’ weekend with her college chums, and is in contact with many characters from high school as well. Thanks to the Internet, she doesn’t ever have to lose touch.

But there’s another important message here for our daughters: Despite the obviously different frames of reference, we’re really not that different, are we? I suspect my daughter and many of her peers could relate to this statement, posted recently by one of my sorority sisters:

I loved the women! I loved being part of something, that quite frankly, I still think of as so very special. It was, and continues to be a memory of which I am so very fond.

And someday–just as we’re now doing–our daughter will be asking themselves. “How did we get to be grandmothers?”

Tags: grandmothers, mothers, reunions
Posted in Motherhood, Mothers & Daugthers | 8 Comments »

Mother U Asks: How Has Motherhood Changed You?

Monday, May 9th, 2011

“…giving birth to or raising another precious human being changes you as nothing else can.”

In her beautiful Mother’s Day offering, What Becoming a Mother Can Mean to a Woman, published on Fox News online magazine, psychologist Phyllis Chesler, a distinguished professor of women’s studies and author of thirteen books, recalls the changes in her own life:

Female motherhood is both a sacred undertaking and a sacred experience. Becoming a mother—giving birth to or raising another precious human being—changes you as nothing else can. You are pitched, head-long and feet-first into a parallel universe, a new way of life, a craft, a passion which tempers and deepens all those who engage in it.

For example, before I became a mother, my ego knew no bounds. I thought I could overcome all obstacles through force of will, not by bending to circumstance, or trusting in forces larger than myself. Becoming a newborn mother changed my life. It humbled me, slowed me down, made me kinder, and infinitely more vulnerable to cruelty.

Mothering a child is an incomparable rite of passage.

So, now that the pancakes have been served in bed, the car washed for you, the garage cleaned out (with your help of course), and it’s back to everyday motherhood, ask yourself, how has motherhood changed you? Please state your age, so we can see if there’s a difference in the generations. Of course, we older mothers-turned-grandmas have to dig deeper into our psyches to remember what it was like before children!

Tags: Mother's Day, Motherhood, Phyllis Chesler
Posted in Motherhood | 9 Comments »

Best Advice from an Older Mother…

Saturday, May 7th, 2011

Psychologist and prolific author Paula J. Caplan, whose Buzz contribution, “On Each Other’s Side (Instead of at Each Other’s Throats,” was adapted from her 1990 classic Don’t Blame Mother — now out as The New Don’t Blame Mother and a must-read for mothers of any age — also writes Silence Isn’t Golden, a fascinating blog for Psychology Today. Paula prefaces her May 6 post, Mother’s Day Thoughts: What’s Funny, and What’s Not, with this wonderful story about her own mother. A kernel of wisdom (in bold) that I had to pass on:

When my book, Don’t Blame Mother, first appeared, a journalist from one of the major women’s magazines called me. For their Mother’s Day issue, they wanted to report “The Best Advice My Mother Ever Gave Me” as told by numerous interviewees. They knew I had just written this book. I replied, “When you said that, a response immediately popped into my head, but could you do me a favor? Before I tell you what it is, I’m just curious to see what my mother would say. Could you please call me back in five minutes?” She agreed.

I called Mother - Tac Karchmer Caplan – and told her what the journalist wanted to know. Her immediate answer: “Don’t wait till you’re old to say what you think.”

“Perfect!” I said. “That’s exactly what came to my mind!” When the journalist called back, I told her what had just happened. I heard her sigh.

She was disappointed. “That’s not really what we were looking for,” she said. “We were looking for things like how to keep mascara from running.” Mother, I like your advice the best! Thank you. And Happy Mother’s Day. (Mother is now 87 and still saying what she thinks.)

Three Generations of Mothers

Happy Mother’s Day to Paula and Tac, to our daughters Emily Caplan Stephenson and Jen, and to mothers and daughters everywhere who are–we hope–doing their best to say what they think!

Tags: advice, Don't Blame Mother, Mother's Day, Paula J. Caplan, Psychology Today
Posted in Motherhood | 1 Comment »

Mother U featured in “The Wisdom of Grandmas”

Monday, May 2nd, 2011

This from writer Beth Meleski, who interviewed a range of grandmothers in northern New Jersey for The Parent Paper and NorthJersey.com:

For many of us, our mothers have been our moral compasses, the ones we turn to for information, knowledge and advice. Now, as parents ourselves, it is suddenly easier to understand how much we need their guidance as we shepherd our children safely into adulthood.

The bond between mothers and their adult children is complicated. On the one hand, our mothers have been there, done that. They have survived the toddler meltdown in the dairy aisle, the 10-year-old who wasn’t invited to the sleepover, the teen who can’t get home by curfew, the senior who is wait-listed at his first choice school. On the other hand, advice from mothers is fraught with our shared history.

Jennifer Blau Martin, a mom and health educator who blogs with her mom, says that when we are new parents, we seek our mother’s advice to bolster our confidence. As our children grow, we trust ourselves more but we still occasionally need help. Jen suggests that our moms are a valuable resource because of their ability to view our plights with a level of objectivity. Additionally, mothers often have areas of expertise that we would do well to tap.

Her mother, Melinda Blau, journalist, author and creator of the website MotherU, (www.motheru.com) agrees. She offers this advice for mothers and children. “Mothers, wait until you are asked to share your advice and once it is given, let it go. Adult children have the right to decide whether to take their mother’s advice and also how and when to implement it.” To parents, Melinda has this to say, “If your mother shares her opinion without invitation, the adult reaction is to ask her to wait until you request her input.” Melinda asserts that seeing each other as a whole person, not just as mother or child, is key.

As Tiger Moms push the boundaries of success and Helicopter Moms monitor their children’s every move, and movies like The Race to Nowhere and Waiting for Superman highlight our children’s collective stress, the advice from our mothers, when they do weigh in, can be helpful….[continue reading the rest of this article here]

Tags: grandmothers, mothers
Posted in Motherhood, grandmothering | No Comments »

Why We Need to “Re-vision” Our Mothers

Monday, April 25th, 2011

This post was inspired by the newest addition to The Buzz, written by Janice Eidus, author, among other books of The War of the Rosens and The Last Jewish Virgin. Janice and I met each other through Facebook, and when she passed through my town recently to do a reading, we finally met in person. Being mothers, we both talked about our children and our mothers. I suggested she write something for Mother U–perhaps exploring how the mother/daughter theme works its way into her novels. Little did I realize that Janice’s piece, My Mother/My Writing: Turning Childhood Memories Into Fiction, would evoke memories of my own childhood. “We had the same mother,” I quipped in an email to her. Well, not exactly, but close enough to bring back memories–and some regrets.

My first grandson was only four months old when my daughter and I first began discussing the “motherhood union.” Jen actually came up with the term, when I said to her, “It’s like we’re in the same club now.”

It’s easy for me to think of Jen and I as part of the motherhood union. Not so my mother and me. It’s not that we had a contentious relationship–the screaming in our family was delegated to my eleven years older (and very protective) sister. At first it was simply that I didn’t know my mother. A former teacher who now was the lady of the house, she was considered “old”–35–when she had me, her third child. (She had lost a baby after my brother, nine when I was born, and often reminded me that I was her “change of life” baby, her “surprise.”) Everyone was out of the house when I was growing up, so I spent a lot of time alone or with “the help.” My mother was always busy, shopping, volunteering and, mostly, putting out elaborate spreads when “the girls” came over to play mah-jong or canasta. Then there were the times she’d take to her bed, claiming another “sinus headache,” which, looking back, was depression.

I wasn’t angry as a child–maybe a little sad, but I didn’t feel deprived. It was the only kind of mothering I knew. By the time I was a teenager, I had developed great people skills. I was a kid other kids’ mothers loved. It got me places. Still does.

Cut to a week before my wedding. One of “the girls” called my mother to tell her that my father had been having an affair with Shirley–a buxom redhead (think Jessica Rabbit) who lived across the street and just happened to be my mother’s best friend. Although I saw his behavior as reprehensible–and felt guilty because even I had known about Shirley–it was my mother who turned their divorce into public spectacle. She’d rant about my father to anyone who’d listen. At one point, she aired her complaints on national television, to the delight of host Alan Burke who loved stories of sex, sleaze, and sensationalism. I saw as little of her as I could. I had my own marriage to worry about.

Even after Jen was born, I bristled at every visit. I hated that sometimes she’d just show up, asking if she could take the baby for a walk. Then, as Jen got older, it was lunch. Then, it was for an afternoon at her apartment. But slowly, as she and Jen developed a relationship that had nothing to do with me, I began to soften, seeing a side of my mother I’d never have imagined. (more…)

Tags: Janice Eidus
Posted in Motherhood, Mothers & Daugthers, grandmothering | No Comments »

Surfing with the Kids: 6 Surprising Benefits

Wednesday, January 12th, 2011

For the record, let’s stipulate that there’s a lot of worthless, if not downright offensive, material online and that some who lurk in cyberspace have less than honorable intentions. Let’s agree, too, that some of us are smitten, perhaps too much, by our tech toys. Accordingly, MIT professor Sherry Turkle warns us in her new, must-read book, Alone Together: Why We Expect More From Technology and Less from Each Other, we ought to consider the “price” of our “enchantment” with technology. (Read an excerpt here.)

But as Turkle is quick to remind us, the Internet isn’t going anywhere. It will continue to change everything from our relationships to our professions to the way we think about life. The question of how it will change us, though, is up to us. Howard Rheingold, the man who coined the terms “virtual communities” and “smart mobs” and has had a front-row seat on the unfolding drama of the Internet, puts it this way:

Will our grandchildren grow up knowing how to pluck the answer to any question out of the air, summon their social networks to assist them personally or professionally, organize political movements and markets online? Will they collaborate to solve problems, participate in online discussions as a form of civic engagement, share and teach and learn to their benefit and that of everyone else? Or will they grow up knowing that the online world is a bewildering puzzle to which they have few clues, a dangerous neighborhood where their identities can be stolen, a morass of spam and porn, misinformation and disinformation, urban legends, hoaxes, and scams?… the humanity or toxicity of next year’s digital culture depends to a very large degree on what we know, learn, and teach each other.

Call me an optimist, but I think we can seize the digital future-ironically by joining forces and sharing the experience with digital natives–children and teens who have grown up with the Net (if not your own, a friend’s or neighbors’ kid!). This might seem counterintuitive. (more…)

Tags: digital natives, Doug Rushkoff, Howard Rheingold, Internet literacy, Ron Taffel, Sherry Turkle
Posted in Motherhood, The Internet, grandmothering | 4 Comments »

Grandma Jane Meets Oprah – Part II: Score One for Ageism

Sunday, December 26th, 2010

This post, a continuation of Jane Fonda’s recent appearance on Oprah, was also inspired by a recent happening in my own life. A few days ago, I wrote an essay about writing that included this phrase: “As my 41-year-old daughter pointed out…” Two early readers–one a man in his sixties, the other a woman in her late forties–thought I should I take it out. Whether they realized it or not, they were suggesting a kind of psychological airbrushing to make it less obvious that I am not young. (more…)

Tags: ageism, Jane Fonda, Oprah
Posted in Motherhood, grandmothering | 1 Comment »

Mother U

Archive for the ‘Motherhood’ Category

What’s a Hippee, Grandma?

Remembering Grandma

The Grandma Reunion

Mother U Asks: How Has Motherhood Changed You?

Best Advice from an Older Mother…

Mother U featured in “The Wisdom of Grandmas”

For many of us, our mothers have been our moral compasses, the ones we turn to for information, knowledge and advice. Now, as parents ourselves, it is suddenly easier to understand how much we need their guidance as we shepherd our children safely into adulthood.

Why We Need to “Re-vision” Our Mothers

Surfing with the Kids: 6 Surprising Benefits

Grandma Jane Meets Oprah – Part II: Score One for Ageism

MOTHER U...

...stands for the "Motherhood Union", a club that’s formed when a baby arrives, and the women of the family jostle positions: mother becomes grandmother and daughter becomes mother.

...invites both generations to the table to "mother you" and to help you maintain a sense of humor about the hardest job on the planet: mothering!

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